Saying "you'll get over it" was another possibility. If we say that, he might wonder if getting over it means he has to leave grandmother behind. That might make him feel like he would have to stop loving her. Besides, at that moment it doesn't feel like he will get over it. Job's term "miserable comforters" came to mind.
How about, "Don't feel bad. You'll see her again"? That's the truth. But that only points to how much he is missing her right now.
All the things I could think of were my own efforts to make us both feel better. Saying them would have made me feel better, but I doubt they would have comforted this grieving child.
We try to fix it, but we can't. Death is too strong of an enemy. Is there anything we can do, then, as adults to help children grieve?
As I sat beside him I said, "It's really hard." He looked at me and nodded as a tear coursed down his cheek. I put my arm around him as he experienced the release of tears.
When children are grieving, the most helpful thing is to be understood. To listen when they are ready to talk, to reflect their feelings,helps them know that some one is with them in their suffering, and that is comforting. In fact, that is the core of what humans can do to help others. Paul said, Christians should "weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice" (Romans 12:15, NAS) There isn’t any fixing in weeping and rejoicing.
Once we understand the most important thing, what else helps children grieve their losses?
I used to volunteer at the Children’s Grief Center of New Mexico. We would put children with other children who have suffered the same loss. I remember one teen boy, at the end of his time at the center, wrote in a survey we gave him, "Having fun with others my own age who have suffered the same loss helped me realize that life could go on." Only those who have suffered the same thing really know what it is like. That sense of knowing helps children bond and learn from each other. If you have a child who has suffered the loss of a loved one, grief groups help a lot. Playing in such groups is incredibly helpful because children resolve hurtful emotions through play.
Two other modalities we used at the center were arts and crafts. Since children rely more on emotions than on cognition, emotional processing is more helpful than talking. Drawing a picture of the deceased, visiting the cemetery with something they made to leave behind, or photographs put in an honored album are all things done to memorialize and hold on to the loved one. These types of activities are helpful in the grieving process. We don’t simply "get over" the death of loved ones; we put it in perspective and move along, while holding on to it.
One final offering: No one grieves in the same way or at the same rate. While it is true that some people get stuck in grief, it is not wise to push children in their grief.
Instead, we can do all the things we’ve talked about in this article and do some additional research. A good place to start would be the About Parenting website at http://childparenting.about.com/cs/emotionalhealth/a/childgrief.htm.
