Helping Children Cope with Loss

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How can we as parents and adults help children cope with loss - especially of a loved one like a close family member? Several years ago, I performed a funeral for a woman whom I did not know well. Her adult children were present. They no longer attended services with their mother's congregation so the congregation had not seen them in a long time. After the service, members from the congregation and family members gathered around those who were grieving to comfort them. As I observed this scene, I saw off in a corner of the sanctuary a 12-year-old boy sitting alone in the last pew. I recognized him as the grandson of the woman who had died. I knew that he lived with his grandmother rather than his parents, though I did not know why. He looked devastated and in need of help to cope with his loss.

Adults hate to see children suffering, especially with the kind of sorrow that only death can bring. It creates incredible anxiety within us, especially when there is not anything we can do to reduce or eliminate their hurt over a loss. The first thing adults must do if they are to help children grieve when they lose a loved one is to put taking care of the child ahead of taking care of their selves. If we want to help them, we have to do it in spite of our own feelings.

I walked over and sat down beside the little boy who recognized me as the officiating minister, though he who did not know me. I sat there beside him for a while before I spoke. What could I say that would be helpful? A number of possibilities came to mind.

Should I say, "It will be alright"? I wanted to. Seeing him suffer compelled me to fix his problem. I wanted to make him happy again and to forget about the loss. Of course, those were my desires; if I said, "It will be alright," that would be me taking care of myself, rather than taking care of him. After all, he lost his grandmother, whom he lived with and loved. How is that all right? After all, Paul said death is an enemy. Her death has left a jagged, raw hole in his heart.

No. It is not all right. Further, if I tell him it will all be fine, he might think that something is wrong with him. He certainly does not feel all right. How is he to make sense of the adults telling him it is? He will feel more alienated and alone. Saying "you'll get over it" was another possibility. If we say that, he might wonder if getting over it means he has to leave grandmother behind. That might make him feel like he would have to stop loving her. Besides, at that moment it does not feel like he will get over it and just cope with it. Job's term "miserable comforters" came to mind.

How about, "Don't feel bad. You'll see her again"? That is the truth. However, that only points to how much he is missing her right now. All the things I could think of were my own efforts to make us both feel better. Saying them would have made me feel better, but I doubt they would have comforted this child grieving over the loss of his grandmother. We try to fix it, but we cannot. Death is too strong of an enemy. Is there anything we can do, then, as adults to assist children grieving?

As I sat beside him I said, "It's really hard." He looked at me and nodded as a tear coursed down his cheek. I put my arm around him as he experienced the release of tears.

Helping to Grieve

When children are grieving what they want the most is for others to understand. They want someone to listen when they are ready to talk and reflect their feelings back to them. This helps them know that someone is with them in their suffering, and that is comforting. In fact, that is the core of what humans can do to comfort others. Paul said, Christians should "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. " (Romans 12:15, NKJV) There is not any fixing in weeping and rejoicing. Once we understand the most important thing, what else helps children grieve the loss of a loved one?

Some time ago, I volunteered at the Children's Grief Center of New Mexico. We would put kids together who have suffered the same loss. I remember one teen boy, at the end of his time at the center, wrote in a survey we gave him, "Having fun with others my own age who have suffered the same loss helped me realize that life could go on." Only those who have suffered the same thing really know what it is like. That sense of knowing aids children to bond and learn from each other. If you have a child who has experienced losing a person they love, then grief groups help a lot. Playing in such groups is incredibly helpful because a child will resolve hurtful emotions through play.

Two other modalities we used at the center were arts and crafts. Since children rely more on emotions than on cognition, emotional processing is more helpful than talking. Drawing a picture of the deceased, visiting the cemetery with something they made to leave behind, or photographs put in an honored album are all things done to memorialize and hold on to the loved one. These types of activities are helpful in the grieving process. We do not simply "get over" the death of loved ones; we put it in perspective and move along, while holding on to it.