After being with someone day and night and seeing that they are not as perfect as was thought the evaluations begin to change. The intensity of the love emotion begin to diminish because of the change in our evaluations. If we are not careful we can end up hating the other person with the intensity that we once "loved" them. Since it is such a conditional thing, romantic love is a poor thing to base a marriage on. Other areas of compatibility between people are more significant. The philosophy of life of the other person is a better indication of how they will behave in an intimate stressful relationship like marriage. What is a philosophy of life? It is a set of beliefs that we use to determine how we interact with our environment. One way to predict whether a relationship will work is to see how the beloved treats their enemies. Inevitably in an on going relationship with another, we are going to "cross" the other person. If they rant and rave about their enemies and don't see their part in helping to bring about crisis with others--they won't be kind to us when we cross them (even though accidentally). How are their problem solving skills? Do they blame place or do they seek to solve problems? Are they flexible or are they rigid and demanding? Everybody has something they want from a relationship. Are they willing to discuss these desires and try and fill some of them? Are they the center of the universe--only thinking about their desires? People that are "nice" to others because they understand the human plight are much easier to get along with than overly opinionated, critical people. If they only have negative things to say about others, that is not a good sign. Are they overly apologetic? Do they accept themselves? People will often treat you like the treat themselves. If they are obsessed with themselves even negatively they may not be well enough to love another. Be careful about people who think you will complete them. Usually they will only finish you off! Intensity is OK Can one feel intense affection for another and be realistic about the beloved's faults? Yes. Though it may be a rarity, it is possible. If one educates oneself as to the cause of one's emotions one can positively evaluate the beloved for their good traits and feel a great deal of affection. If one follows the teaching of the Bible one can feel that way about every one. Feelings aren't facts. They are the results of the "goodness or evil" we attribute to things--our evaluations. They can add to the enjoyment of life. As Paul discovered if we think "right" we will only have appropriate emotions--we won't need to have to try to control them. Warm feelings are nice to have. But the harsh light of reality can cause them to wilt like an unwatered plant in the heat of the sun. The person that loves people because He understands God's plan is probably the best choice for a mate. People that have something nice to say about everyone are much more apt to forgive and forget when they see us in the harsh light of day. They forgive the bad and play up the good. Romantic love has its place. Add to it mercy, kindness and it is sheer beauty--a lovely emotion that we can feel forever! | 