The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.
A man who was fond of wine was offered some grapes at dessert after dinner. Much obliged, said he, pushing the plate aside, I am not accustomed to take my wine in pills.
Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin
In a museum in Havana, Cuba, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus - one when he was a boy and the other when he was a man.
Procrastination gives you something to look forward to.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Doing nothing is very hard to do . . . you never know when you're finished.
Winston Churchill asked Lady Astor what disguise he should wear to her masquerade ball. She said, "Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
I was born modest; not all over, but in spots.
Every dogma has its day.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately. Extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Bureaucrats are the only people in the world who can say absolutely nothing and mean it.
The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack.
John Cleese (Monty Python)
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.