Humorous Quotes

Atheists    -    Death    -    Dogs & Cats
Growing Old    -    Marriage    -    Money
Stupidity    -    Success    -    MORE!
Make sure to send a lazy man for the Angel of Death.
Jewish proverb
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

If your riches are yours, why don't you take them with you to the other world?
Benjamin Franklin
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
Mark Twain
I don't accept defeat as final. Only death is final, and even then I hope for a reprieve.
Phil Gramm
Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise they won't go to yours.
Yogi Berra
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen
Live so that the preacher can tell the truth at your funeral.
K. Beckstrom
You don't die in the United States, you underachieve.
Jerzy Kosinski
Every time I think that I'm getting old, and gradually going to the grave, something else happens.
Elvis Presley
A certain Pastor's tombstone states . . .
Go tell the church that I'm dead,
But they need shed no tears;
For though I'm dead, I'm no more dead
Than they have been for years.
T.D. Bonham
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
H.L. Mencken
Only dead fish swim with the stream.
A man of indeterminate age checked with a doctor to see if the doctor could tell him how old he was. After a quick examination, the doctor said, "According to the examination, I'm alone in this room!"
Live, as you will wish to have lived when you come to die.
The ship was sinking. The captain called the passengers and crew together and asked, "Is there anybody here who can really pray?" One passenger said, "I pray all the time." The captain said, "That's terrific, because we're short one life preserver."
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
Mae West
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
Mark Twain
If you make every game a life-and-death thing, you're going to have problems. You'll be dead a lot.
Dean Smith
A man was surprised to see his obituary in the newspaper. He called up a friend and asked, "Did you see my obituary in the paper today?" The friend said, "Yes. Where are you calling from?"
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
George Santayana
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Humorous Quotes!
Atheists    -    Children    -    Death
Dogs & Cats    -    God and Man
Growing Old    -    Life's Lessons
Marriage    -    Money    -    Relationships
Stupidity    -    Success & Fame
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