Does the Bible teach against
ARRANGED MARRIAGES?

Q. My family's ethnic background is India-Indian. When the time comes I'll be expected to marry someone arranged through my parents. Since I was raised in America I obviously don't want that. Are arranged marriages WRONG and against what the Bible teaches? What should I do?

(Submitted by: Anish)

A. Depending on the process involved, arranged marriages aren't necessarily wrong from a biblical standpoint. Arranged marriages are the custom of some cultures and peoples such as in India as you described. If the process involves marriage to someone who is completely a stranger, the chances of a happy marriage are diminished.

To consider marrying someone, it is important to get to know what they are like. Is their personality compatible with yours? Do you enjoy their company and just being around them? Do you have common interests? To get to know a person involves spending a good deal of time with that person, a process known in the United States and elsewhere as dating. However, dating should not involve having sexual relations as is common in many countries and the U.S.A. The Bible condemns such sexual relations as fornication or sexual immorality:

"Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. " (1Corinthians 6:18, NKJV throughout)

A Godly marriage is a love relationship as shown in the New Testament book of Ephesians:

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, . . .

"So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church . . . 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:22-25, 28-29, 31-33)

In a Godly marriage, true love between a husband and a wife will grow as each gets to know each other intimately. This kind of godly love develops after the marriage takes place.

Our advice is that you first try to explain to your parents that you do love them and want to honor them by trying to carry out their wishes. Then explain that you have come to see that the happiest marriages are those where time is taken to get the know the future marriage partner. If they would be willing to let you get to know the person they want you to marry with the opportunity to decline if that person is not compatible with you, then you could give it a try if it is practical, given your job and other circumstances. Otherwise, try to explain to them in the most tactful way possible that it is extremely important to you that you find the right person, and that although you respect them for their beliefs, you cannot oblige them in their custom and desire for an arranged marriage for you.

Before you approach your parents in discussing this matter in any way, pray to Almighty God to grant you favor and understanding in their sight.