Children
Humorous Quotes

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My mother loved children. She would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx
The thing that impresses me most about North America is the way parents obey their children.
Edward, Duke of Windsor
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. Yes, she replied, but not the same ones.
David Finkelstein
Children have never been good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.
James Baldwin
The headmaster of a fancy British school was lecturing his students on etiquette. He said, "In moments of stress or agitation, you must count to twenty before you speak up." One student raised his hand: "Nineteen, twenty, your pants are on fire!"
Anonymous
One college kid wrote home, "Dear folks, I've been worried sick because I haven't heard from you. Please send me a check so I'll know you're okay."
Anonymous

A small boy, repeating the Lord's Prayer one evening, prayed: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive those who are dead against us."
Anonymous
A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the Earth?" Little Arvin said, "Terrible!"
Anonymous
A boy of ten calls into his house, "Mom, which would you rather have happen . . . I fall out of the big oak tree or I tear my pants?" The mother answers, "Naturally, I'd pray that you tore your pants." The kid says, "Your prayers have been answered!"
Anonymous
If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.
Bernold Bennet
One laugh of a child will make the holiest day more sacred still.
Robert Green Ingersoll
Children are like wet cement; whatever falls on them makes an impression.
Halm Ginot
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, "What are you doing here? You've never worked a day in your life!"
Steven Wright
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben
The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.
Quentin Crisp

A young man called home at two in the morning. His father answered the phone. The young man asked, "Did I wake you, Dad? The father answered, "No, do you want to call back later?"
Anonymous
A youngster asked his Sunday school teacher, "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" The teacher said, "I imagine he did." The kid asked, "With only two worms?"
Anonymous
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy.
Spanish Proverb
A father is a banker provided by nature.
Anonymous
From birth to age eighteen, a girl needs good parents. From eighteen to thirty-five, she needs good looks. From thirty-five to fifty-five, she needs a good personality. From fifty-five on, she needs good cash.
Sophie Tucker
Every youth is like a child born in the night who sees the sun rise and thinks that yesterday never existed.
Somerset Maugham
You can only be young once, but you can always be immature.
Dave Barry
We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until . . . we have stopped saying "It got lost," and say, "I lost it."
Sydney Harris
Hot water is my native element. I was in it as a baby, and I have never seemed to get out of it ever since.
Edith Sitwell

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.
Joe. E. Lewis
In America, the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.
Oscar Wilde
There are four things a child needs; plenty of love, nourishing food, regular sleep, and lots of soap and water.
Ivy Baker Priest
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
The quickest way for a mother to get her children's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
Ralph Mineo
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P.J. O'Rourke
Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.
Neil Postman, 1931 -
Unlike grownups, children have little need to deceive themselves.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
Franklin P. Adams
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Humorous Quotes!
Atheists    -    Children    -    Death
Dogs & Cats    -    God and Man
Growing Old    -    Life's Lessons
Marriage    -    Money    -    Relationships
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